Sing or Play Music From Notation
Men and Women Can’t be Friends. Or So He Says
Looking For Online Friends? Try Loveawake free dating site:
A Place To Find Friends In Italy
Ah, the age-old old old question – can (straight) women and men ever really be just friends? Sammy and I have tackled this subject quite a bit over the last few months, with each of us taking viewpoints that you can probably guess based on our gender, as exemplified above in When Harry Met Sally.
Slate.com had a great series on platonic relationships (and I say relationships, because they are more than just a surface or short friendship) between men and woman, with one story in particular that struck me about Juliet and Jeff, who have been friends – just friends – for 14 years. Despite the push from their families, friends, society in general, they honestly never felt “that way” about each other, aside from a few awkward shared kisses in their early teens.
Many, many commenters downright said they were lying. To themselves, to each other. That such a thing wasn’t possible. So Jeff responded with his thoughts on the subject, not only backing Juliet up but taking it one step further:
…I disagree with others who suggest that any straight man would rather have sex with any woman than pursue another kind of relationship. I’m sure there are some men like that. It’s called having no standards. As for me, besides Juliet I have other very close female friends with whom I have never pursued any kind of physical relationship—because I’m not physically attracted to them.
Aha! So men and women can be friends without the man ever being physically attracted to her! Or is Jeff just an anomaly that exists mostly in the minds of romance novelists and women just not wanting to deal?
Well, here we go with Sammy’s and my thoughts on the subject:
Sammy
Hey Christine, I grabbed this from one of the posts:
“It’s wrong to think of platonic friendship as a binary proposition—in which couples either avoid sex entirely and make the relationship work, or they don’t and it doesn’t. Sexual feeling within friendship exists on a Kinsey-type scale, and moderate attraction does not necessarily ruin or invalidate the relationship.”
I agree with this. When I say “men and women cannot be friends” I am exaggerating and it’s not meant to be taken literally. I have several female friends of course, my very best friends in my life are and have been females. My point though is that – assuming two straight people – there will always be some level of sexual tension. It might not come out in daily interaction, it might never surface, but that possibility always exists.
Have you ever been friends with someone of the opposite sex where you felt nothing for them but you knew they were attracted to you? Actually…saying that…I think females also tend to be more oblivious to the male friend who is attracted to them. Men and women really are different in that way. I’m not sure I’d be exaggerating if I said every (straight) man, when he first meets a woman, probably asks himself “would I do her?” (maybe not in those words, and it might not really be a conscious thing).
Does that work the other way around? You tell me.
Christine
I was trying to think last night if I’ve ever been good friends with a guy who I didn’t find out at some point was at least moderately attracted to me (and I’m not saying this from a “oh, look at me, i’m so attractive standpoint”), and I finally came up with two – one who ended up being gay (BUT, he was attracted to some other female friends in college).
But yeah, I realize for guys, and especially ones that pursue a friendship, there’s usually some sort of sexual level involved, at least at the onset. Yet I was intrigued reading the first post from the woman about how traditionally, our society didn’t allow men and women to be just friends until really, really, recently. I wonder if it’s just about building that platonic muscle, in a way.
I can honestly say that i’ve never been attracted to most of my guy friends. That’s what enables me to be friends with them – if i’m attracted, it’s hard for me to act like myself, and a friendship rarely occurs. Maybe the thought has crossed my mind about each of them, and I thought, “ew.” Seriously, I’ve had some moments of shivering with ickyness at the thought of hooking up with some of my guy friends.
I think probably most single, straight women WILL categorize a guy upon meeting him – do I find him attractive? is he single?, but more because they are looking for something, or know that they will have to deal with how to react to a come-on. But I don’t think that means sexual tension is necessarily always there – I find many women attractive, and don’t consider myself completely straight (I’ve never been with a woman, but am open to that possibility), but that doesn’t mean I feel sexually attracted to them. Same thing goes for guys, especially some of my old guy friends – I can look at them and think, “huh, they are a lot more attractive than I used to think they were”, but still not be attracted to them.
I guess I’m saying “finding attractive” and “being attracted to” are different things. And I think “finding attractive” can cross barriers of any sexual inclination, and yet doesn’t mean you wanna be more than friends with that person.
